This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
