I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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