Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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