bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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