Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
