his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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