Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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