Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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