Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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