hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
