Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
