Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
