just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
