There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
