like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
