Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
