So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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