Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
