New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
