I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
