I wish I could teleport
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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