Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
