I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
