your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
