It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
