he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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