from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
