I think i peed on brittanys purse
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
