they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
