1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize