I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
