your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize