WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
