I need to stop coming to work sober
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
