In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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