As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
