so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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