have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
