Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
