There was a lot of him and a little penis
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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