I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
