One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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