How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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