Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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