lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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