I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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