my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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