don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
