I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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