New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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