Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
