i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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