Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
