I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
