you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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