I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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