Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
