The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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