well I can't set my house on fire every night
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
