i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
