Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
