You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
